Let me tell you about love. It’s terrifying. Considering the cruelty surrounding us human beings, love is the best/worst we get. How could something that makes your heart swell be so fatal? I’m going to try and tell you why.
After watching a very emotional interview of a local celebrity about her failed marriage, the first thing that came to mind is a quote from John Green’s novel, The Fault in Our Stars.
You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.
Which is, you know, spot on wisdom. What I hope for is the ability of the human brain to choose wisely. Mr. Green said you do have some say in who hurts you and so the problem is who’s going to be this lucky little shit? Some kind of hint would be much appreciated, honestly.
I think most people (most people being (500) Days of Summer writers) underestimate how attractive it is to be understood. Seven billion people and you stumble upon one who gets it, even the littlest of things like the “bizarro crap you do.” You probably want to breathe the same air as this person. And share the same bed. And revel in this person’s everything. Now tell me you got no time for that.
(Easier said than done.)
However, the second thing that came to mind, and this lingered a little too long in my head, is this: love is a monster. It will kill your insides. It will turn you into the pathetic and appalling version of yourself. Love will deceive you. You will believe fairytales exist and that love is everlasting. It will make you cry and find yourself getting crunk at 11 in the morning.
I can hear Matt Berninger say, “Terrible love, it’s a good thing. It’s the only kind of love.”
What makes love terrifying is you are going to trust a stranger. Say, you met in a bookstore or a friend introduced you. It doesn’t matter how you guys stumbled upon each other. The only thing that matters is what kind of people you turn out to be after years of being together.
While the idea of guarding your heart is somewhat tempting (especially if you’re me), something about it makes me annoyingly lonely (ha!) and after I read The Lethality of Loneliness, I think I’m going to pass on that. I’m trying to love myself more now, relying on myself, filling the intimacy holes in my heart with things that make me happy. I’m making sure that I wouldn’t devote myself into pleasing another human being just to be loved in return because that’s not fair.
I will learn to be more independent. To prance around this city all day and not be blue the moment I see a happy couple. Because sometimes you have this intense craving for intimacy. To have someone warm in your bed. To hold hands. To cuddle and share silence together. It’s insane. It will fill your heart with so much hate. It will take over your being eventually.
Imagine the things you’d be capable of with so much hate inside. Now accept that you can’t have everything you want. It’s a flawed world. Wake up. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.