love is a trap

Let me tell you about love. It’s terrifying. Considering the cruelty surrounding us human beings, love is the best/worst we get. How could something that makes your heart swell be so fatal? I’m going to try and tell you why.

After watching a very emotional interview of a local celebrity about her failed marriage, the first thing that came to mind is a quote from John Green’s novel, The Fault in Our Stars.

You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.

Which is, you know, spot on wisdom. What I hope for is the ability of the human brain to choose wisely. Mr. Green said you do have some say in who hurts you and so the problem is who’s going to be this lucky little shit? Some kind of hint would be much appreciated, honestly.

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I think most people (most people being (500) Days of Summer writers) underestimate how attractive it is to be understood. Seven billion people and you stumble upon one who gets it, even the littlest of things like the “bizarro crap you do.” You probably want to breathe the same air as this person. And share the same bed. And revel in this person’s everything. Now tell me you got no time for that.

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(Easier said than done.)

However, the second thing that came to mind, and this lingered a little too long in my head, is this: love is a monster. It will kill your insides. It will turn you into the pathetic and appalling version of yourself. Love will deceive you. You will believe fairytales exist and that love is everlasting. It will make you cry and find yourself getting crunk at 11 in the morning.

I can hear Matt Berninger say, “Terrible love, it’s a good thing. It’s the only kind of love.

What makes love terrifying is you are going to trust a stranger. Say, you met in a bookstore or a friend introduced you. It doesn’t matter how you guys stumbled upon each other. The only thing that matters is what kind of people you turn out to be after years of being together.

Rinse and repeat.

Rinse and repeat.

While the idea of guarding your heart is somewhat tempting (especially if you’re me), something about it makes me annoyingly lonely (ha!) and after I read The Lethality of Loneliness, I think I’m going to pass on that. I’m trying to love myself more now, relying on myself, filling the intimacy holes in my heart with things that make me happy. I’m making sure that I wouldn’t devote myself into pleasing another human being just to be loved in return because that’s not fair.

I will learn to be more independent. To prance around this city all day and not be blue the moment I see a happy couple. Because sometimes you have this intense craving for intimacy. To have someone warm in your bed. To hold hands. To cuddle and share silence together. It’s insane. It will fill your heart with so much hate. It will take over your being eventually.

Imagine the things you’d be capable of with so much hate inside. Now accept that you can’t have everything you want. It’s a flawed world. Wake up. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.

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8 thoughts on “My Truth About Love

  1. when you said that love will kill your insides, i remembered something charles bukowski wrote (you know i adore him):

    “My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”

  2. I love this, Elaine. This and PM’s C’est La Vie.

    He broke up with me over the weekend for someone else. We spoke last night and I told him that I’m still in love with him, and that I feel lost, I don’t know how to start my day any more. I told him that his intimacy was everything to me, it was the only thing in the world that made me feel alive after feeling broken for several years. Then I read what you wrote about filling your intimacy holes by yourself. I never even considered that. Probably because I tried doing what I used to love after we broke up and I didn’t feel happiness anymore. I just felt empty. But I kind of regained hope that after a few days, or weeks, maybe even months, I might regain interest in life. And I might actually be able to be happy without feeling like I need someone else.

    Dami ko na sinabi. I’m so glad I found this. 🙂

    • Hey, I am sorry that you are hurting. There was also a boy (there always is) who salvaged my beaten heart and then broke it a year later. I guess what really hurt me was the hope that it was going to be like that, if not forever, then for a very long, long time. When it happened, everything was a blur. I didn’t know where to begin, or how, or why I should even bother.

      And then it didn’t hurt anymore. I slowly learned to be okay with being alone. The emptiness was replaced with affection towards myself.

      I guess the integral part of this experience is that you should allow yourself to grieve for as long as you like.

      I hope you regain your momentum. Thank you for reading. PS I love your blog.

      • Thank you. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. We discussed that previously, too. But I told him that I would like us to stay together for as long as possible. Didn’t know that was the longest we could last. And he dumped me for someone else.

        And I always feel that feeling of loss. And the feeling that I don’t know what I want any more, or if I should even start wanting things any more because I always lose them right at the moment where I get convinced that I can actually be happy. And then I’ll feel sorry for myself. And I’ll get depressed.

        Thanks again for this, though. I really love the part where you talk about filling the holes of intimacy by yourself. I hope I can do that someday, too.

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