December is my favorite month of the year for two reasons: 1. Christmas; and 2. December is my birthday month.
Lately I have been feeling down, with the exception of that fine day when The National announced they will be flying to Manila next year, probably because I have not been doing anything of significance. I have been busy with work, among other things, but there is a weird feeling at the pit of my stomach still – that I am not reaching my full potential, not taking enough risks, that I am isolating myself from all the possibilities.
Okay, maybe that’s true. I have watched as 2013 passed and it was not pretty, at least most of it.
I operated, I (sometimes) still do, from a place of fear and I got used to it. I was not aware of this until the weekend I got to thinking about my recent achievements, or the lack of thereof.
You see, I am a Capricorn with Capricorn rising and that means I am an achiever. It also means I was born a leader. My Virgo moon influences my being obsessive compulsive, which explains the many lists I have on this blog. The problem is I am not like that, not anymore. I was under a lot of pressure and that broke something inside probably?
Since I am already aware of this I decided the cycle must stop. I joined a workshop last Saturday about hope, beauty, and courage. I sat in that room full of beautiful women and listened to experiences and lessons learned and I never knew that such a short workshop could open up my eyes.
I learned that operating in a place of pain is okay. That a breaking has to happen whether we like it or not. That being in control does not mean everything will be smooth sailing. That sometimes letting go of that control will make things easier for me.
And most importantly, forgiving myself is possible. Sometimes I forget that.