I don’t know when or how it exactly happened but I cowered so much since I left my old job. I am in between jobs for almost three months now and for some this isn’t be a lot of unemployment time. To me it kind of is. And the worse part is that I haven’t been using my time wisely.

The slump isn’t over, is what I’m getting at and I’m not even fully convinced that that’s what’s really happening. Sure, there will be a little whine here and there, several beauty-related posts uploaded in my little corner of the Internet, but those are also considered not using time wisely. I am not even seen here or everywhere else.

For a while now I have been having thoughts that I don’t feel safe here anymore. Is that weird? I see the stats page and I am overwhelmed by the traffic this blog has been getting and thought my vulnerability is at risk or something? I guess I should be happy – a tiny part of me is, it’s just that what if someone I look up to (or worse, someone I really like) stumbled upon a stupid entry I wrote a million years ago about a boy who left me for nothing and thought I’m some kind of highly functional distressed woman?

Should I keep this a secret?

So maybe I haven’t gotten over myself yet. Which is cool because I guess I can live with that as long as I don’t step into the cruel, cruel world. But what if I decide to step out my door into a whole different environment? Just thinking about it cowers me.

Now do you see what I am dealing with here?

Everyday when I wake up I tell myself it’ll be okay and that’s fine because it works but what’s going to happen when it isn’t fine anymore? What follows when I get so used to this mantra and it doesn’t work on me? I want to keep trying but also at the same time I want to give up and say fuck you world, I’m done-o!

And most days I’m just a catatonic useless piece of shit in bed. It’s a zombie world. And I’m not even slightly shameful about it. It’s probably because I have money in the bank and I can still support myself. I guess this is what the lame version of the apocalypse looks like.

All this blabber tells me I’m just being lazy but I’ve been told [by my counsel] that being lazy is different from signs of depression and low self worth and after months of therapy I still don’t know the difference. So, this this 3:42 am. How are you?

5 thoughts on “Befuddling

  1. To answer your last question, I’m not doing too great either. I can relate to nearly everything you expressed in this post (minus the running a popular blog thing, but that doesn’t make me any less paranoid about people finding out about my angsty writings in the internet world). In fact, I read this while wasting another day in bed.

    I’m also in between things. At first I was like yay this is great, I’ll apply for jobs, learn Italian by watching Fellini’s entire oeuvre, write tons, volunteer at festivals, hang out in the library. Instead, I just hide in my room feeling overwhelmed and guilty. And I’ve been here before, I know my way out, but I just can’t get myself to do anything other than reading articles on the discipline of ballerinas and taking quizzes on Buzzfeed. Every night, when I struggle to fall asleep I try to stay calm and tell myself the next day will be less wasteful.

    Argh, I’m so sick of this. Sorry for taking up your space to whine about my own issues. I hope we will both do better/feel more content soon!

    p.s. I can’t remember how I ended up here, but I like your blog! And apologies for contributing to your stats-induced worries.

    • Hey, I’m glad you found my blog and don’t worry about it. I don’t know you and you probably don’t know me in real life but ugh I get what you mean about calming yourself and telling yourself that the next day will be less wasteful.

      But it doesn’t happen, I guess. Or maybe not tomorrow, but soon?

      I am three days late to reply, I know, but thanks for sharing your experience (or your issues?), I don’t mind it. I hope you feel better soon or you find what you’re looking for or just something to hold on to.

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