I don’t know when or how it exactly happened but I cowered so much since I left my old job. I am in between jobs for almost three months now and for some this isn’t be a lot of unemployment time. To me it kind of is. And the worse part is that I haven’t been using my time wisely.
The slump isn’t over, is what I’m getting at and I’m not even fully convinced that that’s what’s really happening. Sure, there will be a little whine here and there, several beauty-related posts uploaded in my little corner of the Internet, but those are also considered not using time wisely. I am not even seen here or everywhere else.
For a while now I have been having thoughts that I don’t feel safe here anymore. Is that weird? I see the stats page and I am overwhelmed by the traffic this blog has been getting and thought my vulnerability is at risk or something? I guess I should be happy – a tiny part of me is, it’s just that what if someone I look up to (or worse, someone I really like) stumbled upon a stupid entry I wrote a million years ago about a boy who left me for nothing and thought I’m some kind of highly functional distressed woman?
Should I keep this a secret?
So maybe I haven’t gotten over myself yet. Which is cool because I guess I can live with that as long as I don’t step into the cruel, cruel world. But what if I decide to step out my door into a whole different environment? Just thinking about it cowers me.
Now do you see what I am dealing with here?
Everyday when I wake up I tell myself it’ll be okay and that’s fine because it works but what’s going to happen when it isn’t fine anymore? What follows when I get so used to this mantra and it doesn’t work on me? I want to keep trying but also at the same time I want to give up and say fuck you world, I’m done-o!
And most days I’m just a catatonic useless piece of shit in bed. It’s a zombie world. And I’m not even slightly shameful about it. It’s probably because I have money in the bank and I can still support myself. I guess this is what the lame version of the apocalypse looks like.
All this blabber tells me I’m just being lazy but I’ve been told [by my counsel] that being lazy is different from signs of depression and low self worth and after months of therapy I still don’t know the difference. So, this this 3:42 am. How are you?