The Do-Over

Itching to write a post at 6 am (I haven’t slept) feels like my brain is running on an extremely high dosage of Ritalin. This is also the most excited I have been in months (maybe a year but who’s counting?). I feel like I started my sophomore year running this blog all wrong; I apologize for the unnecessary darkness and so I am here for the do-over.

The thing is, and to put it simply I’m going to borrow a sentence from the beautiful, harrowing essay by Brittany Julious, my true quarter-life crisis is right now.

The past four years have been extremely difficult for me. I was immensely preoccupied with my then nursing job (and later on my 9 to 6 corporate job) and was badly scarred in battle by the monstrosity that is real life that I unconsciously put my aspirations in life in the back burner and halted a future I envisioned myself to have.

I wanted to be an adult adult fast. The kind that has her shit together. The one with a Plan B. With investments. With stability. And a fraction of why I decided to want this adult version of me is driven by fear. The world has this grand idea that when you’re 25 you’re supposed to have great things and achieve a crapton of somethings. That’s frightening for me because I barely have anything right now.

I eventually stopped dreaming altogether. And that’s usually the sign, the symptom that the person has given up on life. And I realized that it’s so early for me to call it quits. I believe I have a few good fights left in me. I shouldn’t sabotage my future just because I stumbled upon a few dead ends.

I’m still trying to figure things out now. I’m starting from scratch. I always remind myself to dream. To want great things without compromising what I planned for myself when I was starting out as a young adult. At least now I kinda have something to hold on to. I’m trying and that’s good.

TL; DR version
The bad news: I’m in a rut.
The good news: This is not how my story ends.

If I sound like a self-help book then my work here is sort of done (we’ll get to the lists, to the happy place, promise). I want to help myself and I’m starting now.

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