The First Step

The last time I was here I sounded like a whiny bitch. Nothing wrong with that because that happens in real life more times than you could ever fathom.

So on top of that I have also been so fucking lost. I think I got a bad case of Yes I Can Be A Content Creator bug and shit got so real and I wasn’t equipped for it. Things got out of hand and well I lost track of everything I should be tracking blah blah blah.

The rest of the year has been really bumpy and unstable almost to the point of me letting myself down. Can you imagine? My standards are so low. How could I ever disappoint myself. But anyway, that really happened and it was not pretty.

I have been on a journaling/blogging hiatus because I don’t know what to write anymore. This is the first time I felt really good about being totally honest with myself (and the internet). I did have a problem and it is not even close to being fixed but I am trying.

The first step is admitting I have a problem. Yes, just like what they do on AA meetings.

During my unintentional mental health break, I realized–and this is what got me into doing this thing in the first place–that I have been collecting little victories throughout the year. I stopped drinking and I am fully committed to it. I replaced coffee with tea. I laid low on stuffing my face with so much food because I had a medical condition and the habit stuck. I let go of dead weight people that clutters my brain with feelings I long ago should have forgotten. No matter how I’m feeling I get up, get dressed, and show up.

Now I’m on my third day of being nicotine free. It’s so difficult. I’ve quit and backslided many times before but this is really something I am putting my mind and heart into. Maybe this is the distraction I have been asking the universe for.

And you know what, this is just the first step. I am more focused and there’s this thing I have been meaning to do (which I’ll tell you all about later…ish) and I’m so close to doing just that.I have so many things in my mind but I’ve never been this clear-headed before.  I think it’s the nicotine-free blood in my veins.

And look, I’m journaling again! That’s a good sign. I think?

Advertisements

Things I’ve Been Working On

Hello, internet. It’s been a while, I know, and I’ve got so many stories to tell you. I’m typing this in the office (sssh, don’t rat me out!) because I cannot bottle up my excitement any longer.

Remember when I told you that nothing’s been going on in my life? Well, now there’s a bunch of projects I have dedicated my time to. Busy is good, is what I tell myself everyday because it is.

I’m back at the workforce, (un)fortunately. I guess I did some things wrong the last time I had a day job. That’s the only reason why I lost track, why I got bored. I had several months off anything so I kind of feel like things are looking up for me.
Continue reading

orange is the new black

Casual Consumption

I first saw Casual Consumption on Carina’s blog, Nothing Spaces, and since I watch television a lot, I thought maybe I can also do it here. I haven’t posted about any of the shows I am following and figured this is the perfect entry for that.

awkward mtv

Awkward.
It’s the show I keep watching even if it means sitting through so much unnecessary drama. At one point it got so pointless that I thought of letting go of it despite my inexplainable attraction to my girl Valerie. They also got rid of the almighty Ming Huang, the only Asian character in the show. Boo!

The new season also shifted in terms of character development. Tamara became this stereotypical crazy ex-girlfriend who catfishes her ex-boyfriend and reeks of so much bitterness causing the feminists of Tumblr to rage rant after every freaking episode. I wasn’t keen on it, too but girl got her momentum later on.

Continue reading

The Do-Over

Itching to write a post at 6 am (I haven’t slept) feels like my brain is running on an extremely high dosage of Ritalin. This is also the most excited I have been in months (maybe a year but who’s counting?). I feel like I started my sophomore year running this blog all wrong; I apologize for the unnecessary darkness and so I am here for the do-over.

The thing is, and to put it simply I’m going to borrow a sentence from the beautiful, harrowing essay by Brittany Julious, my true quarter-life crisis is right now.

The past four years have been extremely difficult for me. I was immensely preoccupied with my then nursing job (and later on my 9 to 6 corporate job) and was badly scarred in battle by the monstrosity that is real life that I unconsciously put my aspirations in life in the back burner and halted a future I envisioned myself to have.

I wanted to be an adult adult fast. The kind that has her shit together. The one with a Plan B. With investments. With stability. And a fraction of why I decided to want this adult version of me is driven by fear. The world has this grand idea that when you’re 25 you’re supposed to have great things and achieve a crapton of somethings. That’s frightening for me because I barely have anything right now.

I eventually stopped dreaming altogether. And that’s usually the sign, the symptom that the person has given up on life. And I realized that it’s so early for me to call it quits. I believe I have a few good fights left in me. I shouldn’t sabotage my future just because I stumbled upon a few dead ends.

I’m still trying to figure things out now. I’m starting from scratch. I always remind myself to dream. To want great things without compromising what I planned for myself when I was starting out as a young adult. At least now I kinda have something to hold on to. I’m trying and that’s good.

TL; DR version
The bad news: I’m in a rut.
The good news: This is not how my story ends.

If I sound like a self-help book then my work here is sort of done (we’ll get to the lists, to the happy place, promise). I want to help myself and I’m starting now.

Art Installations of You and Me by Chrissie White

Befuddling

I don’t know when or how it exactly happened but I cowered so much since I left my old job. I am in between jobs for almost three months now and for some this isn’t be a lot of unemployment time. To me it kind of is. And the worse part is that I haven’t been using my time wisely.

The slump isn’t over, is what I’m getting at and I’m not even fully convinced that that’s what’s really happening. Sure, there will be a little whine here and there, several beauty-related posts uploaded in my little corner of the Internet, but those are also considered not using time wisely. I am not even seen here or everywhere else.

For a while now I have been having thoughts that I don’t feel safe here anymore. Is that weird? I see the stats page and I am overwhelmed by the traffic this blog has been getting and thought my vulnerability is at risk or something? I guess I should be happy – a tiny part of me is, it’s just that what if someone I look up to (or worse, someone I really like) stumbled upon a stupid entry I wrote a million years ago about a boy who left me for nothing and thought I’m some kind of highly functional distressed woman?

Should I keep this a secret? Continue reading

Monday Poems: Today Means Amen

It has been a while since I published a Monday Poem and it has been a while since I wrote here. It has been bad and so personal that writing about it here makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I think that was my lowest but I never know with myself.

Anyway the storm had passed but I don’t know how long until the next grey cloud follows me everywhere again. For now, here is one of my favorite poets, Sierra DeMulder. This week’s poem is called Today Means Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV-gqLaipW4 Continue reading

My Mad Fat Diary Series 2 [Spoilers]

Okay, so maybe I was in a slump after seeing The National live. I also tendered my resignation a week ago so I’ve been pretty comfortable the past week to the point of not showering (shhh) for a day. I’m gross and that’s okay! But after seeing that Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode about getting over a slump, I decided to write short book reviews (see previous posts :P) and here I am facing my fear and I know I am going to write about it soon so why prolong my agony – My Mad Fat Diary Series 2.

cool as fuck

Waiting for series 2 is equal parts painful and exciting. Since last season they left us barely anything, I wished for more Rae x Finn. Continue reading