The First Step

The last time I was here I sounded like a whiny bitch. Nothing wrong with that because that happens in real life more times than you could ever fathom.

So on top of that I have also been so fucking lost. I think I got a bad case of Yes I Can Be A Content Creator bug and shit got so real and I wasn’t equipped for it. Things got out of hand and well I lost track of everything I should be tracking blah blah blah.

The rest of the year has been really bumpy and unstable almost to the point of me letting myself down. Can you imagine? My standards are so low. How could I ever disappoint myself. But anyway, that really happened and it was not pretty.

I have been on a journaling/blogging hiatus because I don’t know what to write anymore. This is the first time I felt really good about being totally honest with myself (and the internet). I did have a problem and it is not even close to being fixed but I am trying.

The first step is admitting I have a problem. Yes, just like what they do on AA meetings.

During my unintentional mental health break, I realized–and this is what got me into doing this thing in the first place–that I have been collecting little victories throughout the year. I stopped drinking and I am fully committed to it. I replaced coffee with tea. I laid low on stuffing my face with so much food because I had a medical condition and the habit stuck. I let go of dead weight people that clutters my brain with feelings I long ago should have forgotten. No matter how I’m feeling I get up, get dressed, and show up.

Now I’m on my third day of being nicotine free. It’s so difficult. I’ve quit and backslided many times before but this is really something I am putting my mind and heart into. Maybe this is the distraction I have been asking the universe for.

And you know what, this is just the first step. I am more focused and there’s this thing I have been meaning to do (which I’ll tell you all about later…ish) and I’m so close to doing just that.I have so many things in my mind but I’ve never been this clear-headed before.  I think it’s the nicotine-free blood in my veins.

And look, I’m journaling again! That’s a good sign. I think?

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FIGHTS THAT MATTER

Yesterday, I was trolling my Twitter feed and stumbled upon Isa‘s tweet:

A wake up call, that’s what it is. Recently, I found myself mulling over things that really don’t matter I completely forgot about the important stuff I should be allotting my time to. My head’s focused on crappy unrequited feelings and while feelings are important too (no matter how crappy they are), I always have a choice to silence them and keep my feet moving.

After sleeping for almost sixteen hours(!), I realized I brought this to myself after all. It was my conscious decision to take the dark alley and avoid at all cost the lit roads people usually take because it’s safer; the chances of getting mugged and hurt are so little.

So much for chivalry. I thought I could handle everything. Was I on coke? I wasn’t, obviously, but I wasn’t in my right mind, either. I was in denial and lingered on it for what seems like a million years.

But now that I am awake and back to my senses, I am going to prioritize my battles according to what I believe is important.

I never believed I would say this but I am tired of being sad. I’m not saying I am giving up on love because that’s a silly thing to say. Love is a constant; no matter how many layers we put on, we will all still feel our heartstrings tug. And, unfortunately, hurt is a constant, too.

What I’m saying is this: I’m done with mindfucks. There’s only a few things I am sure of and knowing how I feel about another person is one of them. I wouldn’t go through all the trouble of opening up my heart to someone just to shrug a few months later and tell him “I’m going to flake out on you and your feelings because that’s what I am, a fickle-minded flake.” I’m certain I am not that person because I hate that kind of person. Mind tricks are for adults who refuse to grow up.

I’m a goner the moment I feel you’re just making me stay for the sake of having something to keep you afloat. Because people like Rob Fleming (prior his realization that he always had one foot out the door) are dead weight and highly toxic for one’s emotional well-being.

Instead of having sloppy conversations with myself, there’s a whole bunch of stuff I should be minding like what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to be the person who sulks in a corner singing along to The White Stripes’ “Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” and does nothing about it. I have a lot of dreams and places to go to and I wouldn’t get to where those are if there’s a person between me and my aspirations.

The great thing about this life is that there’s always room to make up for the bad decisions you made in your past. There might not be an undo button, or an escape button, or a backspace button but there is a space in this void where you can start over. If in your juvenile years you strayed and fought battles that mattered less, don’t worry. No matter how bruised and scarred you are, you will always stand up and get your shit together eventually. There is no formula on how to be an outstanding adult, we figure things out unarmed and guess what, most of us turn out well.

One of my favorite young adult novelists once said, “There is no such thing as no choice. There is always a choice. The only question is whether it’s a bearable one.” Choosing which battles to fight is one hell of a task but believe me, fighting for the things that are undernourished, the things that’ll bring you no good, the thing that has no future is even harder and unsatisfying. Let go. You’d be surprised how many happies that’ll bring you.

PS I’m still an optimist, whowouldathunk?