Am I getting too old for feelings?

Hey pal it’s me, your old friend from the internet! Thought you’d seen the last of me, huh? Well, this might be the last. I’m not quite sure yet myself.

The good news is I’ve completed this year’s reading challenge ahead of schedule. I know! I’m so excited to share this bit of information with y’all but then I remembered I’m not even present here anymore, ha.

So the bad news is I feel like I am getting old for blogging and feelings. I just want to be an old lady reading book after book after book. I’m also starting to have a life outside the internet. Who would have thought?

Even my beauty blog has been temporarily abandoned because to be quite honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I guess the problems start when I draft a post–just like this one I’m writing now (at work, shush it!)–and then losing interest in the middle of writing it and POOF! Move to Trash! But I’m not going to do it with this one. I’m pretty sure this sucked major ass but whatever I can live with a couple of nonsense posts in this blog.

So. What have you been up to?

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My Mad Fat Diary Series 2 [Spoilers]

Okay, so maybe I was in a slump after seeing The National live. I also tendered my resignation a week ago so I’ve been pretty comfortable the past week to the point of not showering (shhh) for a day. I’m gross and that’s okay! But after seeing that Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode about getting over a slump, I decided to write short book reviews (see previous posts :P) and here I am facing my fear and I know I am going to write about it soon so why prolong my agony – My Mad Fat Diary Series 2.

cool as fuck

Waiting for series 2 is equal parts painful and exciting. Since last season they left us barely anything, I wished for more Rae x Finn. Continue reading

Bloodbuzz Manila

I have been staring at my laptop for a long, long time is a nice way to start a post about my favorite day in my entire life. I honestly don’t know how to tell you how much this day means to me. Spoiler alert: a lot. But before I start to bawl my eyes out again, let me tell you about the show.

buke and gase

Buke and Gase opened the show. These guys are amazing live. I don’t know any of their songs but I ended up liking them. Continue reading

FINALES

So Emily Owens, MD ended tonight with a ridiculous episode. Fuck CW. I should stop following shows that will eventually run my heart over with ten wheeler trucks. (LOOKING AT YOU, DOCTOR WHO AND HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER!) If you’re a follower of the show and you haven’t seen the finale, stop right now because I’m going to spill shit all over the place and it’s going to be full on nasty. Trust me on this.

Image

Continue reading

CAN WE JUST

take a moment and give Kina Grannis and Mike Chang a standing ovation?

I mean, I just can’t. It was like a Thought Catalog essay turned into an amazing 8-minute video. How could you not believe in love after watching that? I feel like a blasphemous wench for trash talking love for so many years, like the universe gets off just watching me squirm. Haha. God, this is really beautiful. Watchette!

QUITTING YOU

You know that feeling when he’s doing something, you’re yards away from him but you still notice, you look at him and then you sigh? If you do, welcome to the club. Population: everyone.

I was about to Google stuff on how to quit smoking but this article on how to stop loving someone pulled up because Google is always ahead of you like it has been spying on you since the beginning of time. I mean, really, Google? How do you even do that? Maybe I would know if I clicked on the link and read. Rebel points: +10000000.

I believe these rules exist, I just don’t believe it works on everyone. Especially me. I am the worst when it comes to getting over someone. All my secret blogs, journals, and emails to my best friend are proof to my futile attempts to forget and get a decent night sleep. I always end up pushing the self destruct button every time.

The thing is, sometimes love fades without warning. It doesn’t ask to be excused. One day you, wake up and it’s over. It’s gone. Forever. And you think you’ll never get over this person. This person you trusted with your deepest, darkest, most sensitive thoughts. This person who saw you naked and vulnerable; who you cuddled with on rainy Sunday afternoons; who you kissed and held hands and spent the night with.

When love dies, a part of you dies with it. All you’re left are the memories you wish you can erase permanently along with the person you made these memories with. But that wouldn’t turn out good, would it? Remember Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Yeah. The hardest part of it all would be rebuilding your world and remembering how you were before this unacceptable pain you’re feeling happened.

I don’t know how to end this essay so I will just pretend I know what I’m doing. NOW, I leave you with a quote by Paullina Simmons.

Everyone feels that way, that we will never stop loving someone, that we will never love anyone else, that we can never feel more than we do right now, but yet… we do, somehow, stop loving. We do get over it. Don’t we? We have to. We must. Otherwise, how could we go on?

ON LOVE: DROWNING

I love you like I love the sea. And I’m ok with drowning.

I know it’s super pretentious when I begin a blog entry (while we’re at it, not just blog entries but anything I do, really) but I’ve been mulling over this I Wrote This For You entry since I read it. I am not at all ballsy, I guess you’ve already known this from previous posts, but I found myself in a five-minutes-of-insane-courage moment when I read (x 100) those two distracting sentences.

I then had a mini-convo with myself. It’s mostly about growing a pair of balls and just openly submit to a person of the opposite sex I am extremely attracted to; to absolutely disregard the fact that – just like any emotionless motherfucker – he will get bored and I will be left with zero dignity and self respect.

As much as I hate to admit, I used to be that girl. I opened my heart to countless douchefaces in my past and ended up ugly crying in the middle of night with sad bastard music blasting on the speakers. It went on for what seemed like a decade and I thought I wasn’t learning anything from past experiences because I. keep. doing. it. I believed I was the girl who loves unceasingly until the other person grows tired of my sappy self and I’ll be okay with it. By okay I mean get trashed after school (or skip, fuck school), abandon your friends and family because they don’t understand you’re hurting, rinse, and repeat.

I changed, alright. I did and that scared me, too. The changes weren’t drastic or anything. What frightened me was the realization I was magically turned to be that dude Rob Fleming – a character from Nick Hornby’s novel, “High Fidelity”. Yeppers, that guy who always had one foot out the door. I focused on myself, constantly asking What’s in it for me? when faced with a situation that involved my committing but I didn’t fully commit to anything or anyone; I was swimming in the middle of yes and no. I was the or.

Upon realizing how much of a wuss I am becoming, I tried to be less selfish and be more normal. Still trying. Working on that with a badly scarred heart is like walking the Great Wall of China. You will always find yourself wanting to not finish the damn trip because the steps are steep, your legs are tired, your joints hurt, you’re sweating like a pig, and you need comfort, goddamn it. You want your space where it is safe and familiar. Your turf where you need not exert effort to achieve anything because standards have been extremely lowered to the point that anything will do.

But we all know what it is that’s hindering you from getting to the other end of that world wonder: you are afraid. Scared shitless that you won’t make it, that it’s not worth it, that you won’t feel just as accomplished as your fellow walkers.

And now we go back to deciphering the mystery behind my exaggerated amusement to that quote. Does it mean I am ready to put an end to my wimp phase? Or was I just incredibly entertained to know that there are human beings capable of loving like one loves the sea? The kind of love sans any kind of guard despite the knowledge of drowning and, possibly, dying.

The truth is I don’t know.

It’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation”. If you love with no boundaries, you’re gonna get hurt. If you remain meh and not letting people in, you’re gonna die alone (or live the rest of your life with regret). Am I ready to let people in? Yes, I am. But I am not my seventeen-year old self anymore; I guess I know better now.

I actually prefer being alone but time will come when having a person next to me won’t be for the sake of just having someone. There will be this unexplained connection between this person and I that having him around will feel like everything makes sense. And in this devastating world of hurting and manipulation, there’s only a few you make connections with so I guess it’s worth it being okay with loving a person like one loves the sea. It’s going to happen anyway, so why cockblock myself?

Eventually, I will cave in to drowning and it will be enough.