The First Step

The last time I was here I sounded like a whiny bitch. Nothing wrong with that because that happens in real life more times than you could ever fathom.

So on top of that I have also been so fucking lost. I think I got a bad case of Yes I Can Be A Content Creator bug and shit got so real and I wasn’t equipped for it. Things got out of hand and well I lost track of everything I should be tracking blah blah blah.

The rest of the year has been really bumpy and unstable almost to the point of me letting myself down. Can you imagine? My standards are so low. How could I ever disappoint myself. But anyway, that really happened and it was not pretty.

I have been on a journaling/blogging hiatus because I don’t know what to write anymore. This is the first time I felt really good about being totally honest with myself (and the internet). I did have a problem and it is not even close to being fixed but I am trying.

The first step is admitting I have a problem. Yes, just like what they do on AA meetings.

During my unintentional mental health break, I realized–and this is what got me into doing this thing in the first place–that I have been collecting little victories throughout the year. I stopped drinking and I am fully committed to it. I replaced coffee with tea. I laid low on stuffing my face with so much food because I had a medical condition and the habit stuck. I let go of dead weight people that clutters my brain with feelings I long ago should have forgotten. No matter how I’m feeling I get up, get dressed, and show up.

Now I’m on my third day of being nicotine free. It’s so difficult. I’ve quit and backslided many times before but this is really something I am putting my mind and heart into. Maybe this is the distraction I have been asking the universe for.

And you know what, this is just the first step. I am more focused and there’s this thing I have been meaning to do (which I’ll tell you all about later…ish) and I’m so close to doing just that.I have so many things in my mind but I’ve never been this clear-headed before.  I think it’s the nicotine-free blood in my veins.

And look, I’m journaling again! That’s a good sign. I think?

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December!!!!!!

December is my favorite month of the year for two reasons: 1. Christmas; and 2. December is my birthday month.

Lately I have been feeling down, with the exception of that fine day when The National announced they will be flying to Manila next year, probably because I have not been doing anything of significance. I have been busy with work, among other things, but there is a weird feeling at the pit of my stomach still – that I am not reaching my full potential, not taking enough risks, that I am isolating myself from all the possibilities. Continue reading

tea books cigarettes

The Ultimate Dumpee Meme

PM, the wonderful lady, tagged me on a book meme! I instantly thought about what John Green said about books being the ultimate dumpees, thus the title. Anyway, I’ll get on with it.

the boy who lived harry potter

Author you’ve Read the Most Books from: It’s J.K. Rowling. I was late(ish) to the Harry Potter party, I only got to read The Sorcerer’s Stone when I was a freshman in high school but since then, I got so hooked like the rest of the HP fandom. I also have almost all of Chuck Palahniuk’s books and all of John Green’s books and George R.R. Martin’s The Song of Ice and Fire series.

Best Sequel Ever: It’s a tie between J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and The Prizoner of Azkaban and Rick Riordan’s The Son of Neptune.

Currently Reading: Megan McCafferty’s Fourth Comings. I am so mad I only got on the Jessica Darling fandom a month ago. HOWWHATWHY

tea books cigarettes

Drink of Choice While Reading: I like reading with warm tea within reach and a menthol cigarette between my lips.

E-reader or Physical Book? Lol this was one of the questions in my speaking exam last year. Anyway as much as I like the smell of new (and old) books, I am now quite partial to e-reading just because it’s the only way to get what I want and not be poor. I get physical copies every now and then a.k.a. when I REALLY love the book.

Fictional Character You Probably Would Have Actually Dated In High School: It’s a triple tie: Marcus Flutie (Jessica Darling series), Park (Eleanor & Park), and Augustus Waters (The Fault in Our Stars).

Glad You Gave This Book A Chance: Robert Galbraith’s The Cuckoo’s Calling! It honestly bored me to death, and I’ll admit I only read it because of the J.K. Rowling fuss, but I’m glad I got to the end because it’s a great read. Trust me on this y’all.

Hidden Gem Book: Chuck Palahniuk’s Rant. It’s weird and science fiction-y without you even knowing it. I love how the author gets really obscene and I am a sucker for philosophical views underneath a clusterfuck of weird.

pushing daisies

Important Moment in your Reading Life: When I read Melina Marchetta’s On the Jellicoe Road, I wasn’t expecting a lot. I was one hormonal mess, I just stopped taking my medication, I was losing interest in things I enjoy doing. In short, I was backsliding. I lost hope and then lost some more (oooh cheesy) but through this beautifully woven piece of YA, I regained what was lost and I held on to it. I can also say the same for Patrick Ness’ the Chaos Walking series and Jonathan Safran Foer’s Everything Is Illuminated but On the Jellicoe Road was utterly spot on.

Just Finished: Megan McCafferty’s Charmed Thirds.

Kinds of Books You Won’t Read: Erotic Romance (looking at you 50 Shades of Yuck) and non-fiction

Longest Book You’ve Read: The Song of Ice and Fire novels are extremely hard to process. They aren’t as voluminous in pages but my friend George R.R. Martin is a fan of incredibly detailed narrative which I think is the reason why it takes him years to finish a novel. Which is good, by the way, because it keeps the fans hungry and excited!

Major book hangover because of: Markus Zusak’s The Book Thief. Seriously guys, just read this one already.

Number of Bookcases You Own: My books are all over the place. Most of my books are stored in a huge cabinet and then some on the floor of my room and a few on my bedside table.

One Book You Have Read Multiple Times: John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars. INCOMPARABLE!

donnie is reading get out

Preferred Place To Read: It doesn’t matter – I’d read anywhere! (I’ll steal this one from PM!)

Quote that inspires you/gives you all the feels from a book you’ve read: “When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?” from Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters.

Reading Regret: Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84, Cecilia Ahern’s Love, Rosie, and Jennifer E. Smith’s The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight.

Series You Started And Need To Finish(all books are out in series): Harry Potter, the Jessica Darling series, and Veronica Roth’s Divergent series.

okay the fault in our stars

Three of your All-Time Favorite Books: The Fault in Our Stars, J.D. Salinger’s Franny and Zooey, and On the Jellicoe Road.

Unapologetic Fangirl For: Young Adult fiction

Very Excited For This Release More Than All The Others: Rick Riordan’s House of Hades and Veronica Roth’s Allegiant.

Worst Bookish Habit: Reading at work (sorry I’m not sorry! I am always reading the good parts when my break is over!), staying up late saying, “One more page.” and ending up not sleeping at all.

X Marks The Spot: Start at the top left of your shelf and pick the 27th book: Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity.

Your latest book purchase: The last physical copy I bought was Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane.

ZZZ-snatcher book (last book that kept you up WAY late): Rainbow Rowell’s Eleanor & Park! I really had to know what happened because feelings.

Thanks PM for the diversion! I really enjoyed this meme! 🙂

Monday Poems: Finn Butler

Bad day. I feel so small, insignificant and unwanted for being left by people I really care about. Constantly playing with my “why-not-me” philosophy as Sara Bareilles call it. Emotional eating with mushy movies are not to be asked. Oreos are my best friends these days.

I wish I am exaggerating. Photo by the lovely rubyetc.

I wish I am exaggerating. Photo by the lovely rubyetc.

But, yeah, although now i’m glum, I’ll get over it. Because there’s this guy named Finn Butler, and here’s what he said:

I know the heart is a heavy thing
and if today you managed to lift it
a few inches off the ground,
I am proud.

You need to understand that there are no turning points.
Your life is not a movie and your fears will not disappear
as soon as someone loves you back. There are only moments
when the glimmer of light you are chasing seems closer than the darkness that is always chasing you but in these moments
every single thing has been worth it.

And I know sometimes you only want it over, this never ending war
but the battle raging within ourselves is the only one worth fighting.
I do not believe in much, but of that-
of that I am sure.

In spite of it all be a force for good wherever you can. Every smile
to a stranger is a little victory. So smile now.
You are alive.

And please understand that victory
is not a sunrise to the zenith
victory is getting out of bed
and finding for the first time in weeks you are not so afraid.

Trust your gut, or whatever part of your life you believe in the most.
The only decisions I regret are the ones I didn’t really make myself.

Hope and wishful thinking are two different things, and only
one is going to hurt you. The other is something to cling to
with everything you have, and never lose sight of.

Sometimes love is tenderness. Sometimes love is flowers and sometimes
love is a small patch of soil and a packet of seeds.
Love is never someone telling you how hopelessly broken you are
and telling you it’s good.

Remember the tides rise and fall and never meet but the sea
goes on looking for itself on the other side of the world. Even the sea has hope
and it’s the biggest damn being on Earth.

Remember time is a concept that humans created and clocks may stop ticking but reality never runs out.
Your chances are endless.
Remember every step back is another step you know how to take forward.
Nothing’s ever wasted.

The last thing to remember is that however much they take
from you, your demons will never be satisfied. And I know this is a terrifying thought
but it also means they are always fighting a losing battle.
However long the war goes on, there is only one possible winner
and the winner is you.

The poem is called “What I Wish I’d Known Five Years Ago.” It’s a beauty, innit?

love is a trap

My Truth About Love

love is a trap

Let me tell you about love. It’s terrifying. Considering the cruelty surrounding us human beings, love is the best/worst we get. How could something that makes your heart swell be so fatal? I’m going to try and tell you why.

After watching a very emotional interview of a local celebrity about her failed marriage, the first thing that came to mind is a quote from John Green’s novel, The Fault in Our Stars.

You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.

Continue reading

Something Old (Like Toying with My Feelings)

“You can’t cling to the past because no matter how tightly you hold on, it’s already gone.”

Ah, How I Met Your Mother. While I don’t appreciate things, especially works of fiction, playing with my emotions, tonight’s episode is difficult to ignore. Eight seasons later, I still don’t understand how Ted could be the most annoying and, at the same time, the wisest character of the show.

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Did Steven Moffat write this episode? Because I have so many feels~ for a moment I thought I was watching Sherlock. Just kidding. Continue reading